Thought vs Action: Why it’s OK for a forty five year old to find a sixteen year old attractive
We all have thoughts that make us feel uncomfortable. If anyone claims that they don’t, they are lying and need to be watched with suspicion. But it’s important to remember that thought is not action. We cannot control all of our thoughts, we can control all of our actions.
I popped out for a walk earlier, and passed a young woman on the path. I’d guess that she was sixteen — eighteen years old, and I can confirm that a part of my brain thought that she was attractive, and it told me so. But another part of my brain thought that I shouldn’t be thinking like that, and also let its feelings be known to me, and this tension felt uncomfortable.
Then I thought it through, and realised the system was working very well, and I wasn’t actually a raging pervert. Part of my brain is allowed to think that a sixteen year old is attractive, that’s healthy. What wouldn’t be good is if I acted upon those thoughts, either by chasing after her and forcing her to have intimate relations with me, or even pursuing a consensual relationship with her. Some Philosophers might disagree with that view, but for me it wouldn’t feel right to try and date a sixteen year old young woman. I am forty five. Some people may think that going home and whacking off to the memory is wrong, but I would reassure them that it is far better for everyone than if I were to chase her up the street.
And I also unpacked the part of my brain that sent the warning. It would be easy to feel a sense of shame if I took that message as complete sooth, but I could also recognise that within the message you shouldn’t be thinking like that was the meaning you shouldn’t act upon that. I didn’t act upon it, and so I have no reason to feel any sense of chagrin.
Our brains can be our best friends, but they can also be our worst enemies. We cannot always control our thoughts — indeed many would argue that we can never truly control any thought — but we are certainly blessed with the ability to control our actions, in most cases.
I say most because, for example, brain damage or a mutation may mean this isn’t possible, but that is an area that I exclude from this missive.
The same could be said for xenophobia, or racism. A person may have been raised in an environment where disliking someone because of their accent or by the colour of their skin was acceptable, and perhaps even encouraged. But another part of their brain has the potential to consider this, and decide that I may not wish to act upon those thoughts that are purely formed because of experience and circumstance and in time unlearn that conditioning. The brain can consider that those things don’t define who a person actually is.
Choices are a wonderful opportunity, and most of us have the agency to make them.
